A grey Ghost

Here we are, I now think I look like the stereotypical Chemo patient, I have the palour of a man after a six day bender and the eyes to match. Its now Sunday morning and I think I am superman (Got up at 6am, fed the dog, had a coffee, made some bread and went for a walk) and yes I will pay for this later. Yesterday and the two days before,I was in my mortal state I had to have a lie down between two and three because I was wiped out after a reasonably busy morning.

So when I dragged myself off the bed in the afternoon and had a shower, I popped on a bright orange tshirt which literally blew my eyes away, and not because I cut a handsome figure in it, but because my eyes are obviously colour sensitive as well as light sensitive. In fact it nearly made me nauseaous it hit me so hard. So I went to the default top drawer where the pyjamas are kept and selected an old grey one because I wasnt going out and the family were going to be the only ones to see me, so its perfect. Now that is when I actually realised that the grey ghost had arrived as my palour actually made this tshirt look bright and breezy. If you want to picture this tshirt then just imagine the hero in the movie who pulls up outside the ramshackle old house where they think the serial killer with the cellar lives, and they are greeted by an old bloke wearing my grey tshirt and yet yesterday I made it look bright and cheery. Ive also noticed that at this time of the day I have a drop in blood pressure but then it happily goes back up to where I know that my cardioligist would be happy as my BP is now in the low 130s so every cloud and all that.

So I would consider myself to be fairly fit and healthy (present condition included) for 52yrs. So when I consider what chemo is doing to me now it really does hit home to me what other people must be going through, you see at the start of the covid lockdown I made a concerted effort to lose weight and get fit just in case corona virus came knocking looking for a host. So thats what I did, and it worked so my fitness level got taken to a fairly high level for a 52yr old ex smoker who also enjoyed a drink, also former heart attack patient. So when I got diagnosed with cancer I thought ok I can do this!!!

All I thought I had to do, was have the chemo, work on my diet a bit more, and keep up the fitness regime where possible. I never for a moment considered that it would actually be this hard, and that the chemo has such a debilatating impact. I think that this falls into the category of being naive, or over optimistic. For some reason in my mind I had pictured the chemo as being this 6ft 6inch security guard wearing a tshirt that said “fighting cancer and beating it” taking the tumour out the back and giving it a good hiding. I suppose I never really considered that my internal systems are that security guard and that the chemo is only the weapon they are given to fight the tumour. In a nutshell what I am trying to say to anyone who is going through this or about to go through it, is that its the biggest learning curve that I have been on, just when you think you have nailed it, it changes again, and swerves away. So what was ok last Monday will bear no relation to where you are today. But stick with it and even the grey ghost improves, just dont show it a bright tshirt. I do actually read my old posts and in some I can now see the pattern taking shape that as I continue on this curve I am just going to have to adjust accordingly and wherever it takes me I always need to remember that I am not alone, and if You are reading this and You are alone then reach out and ask for help. You can call Macmillan, You can even email me if it will help and if someone is reading this and they know someone about to go through this crap please remind them not to try this curve on their own.It is probably achievable but I dont think its worth it.

Sorry I have no recipe on this post, this one is one of the food free ones and an opportunity for me to admit its hard.

Take care and look out for yourselves,

4 thoughts on “A grey Ghost

  1. You are not alone Liam. We are on the other side of the world but you are in my thoughts now every day. This is such a shit thing you have to go through and you’re very brave to share your journey with us.
    Im not the best cook but I am going to give one of your recipes a go. I will post a pick when I do.
    By the way Rachel did well to marry a Chef (smart girl 😊)
    Keep strong.
    Rachel’s friend Maeve


  2. You are certainly not alone Liam.
    Your strength is in your family and your strength is in who you are.
    Love you.


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