Ok so I got through it. The feeling of absolute exhilaration and joy when that mask comes off is indescribeable. Which is ironic when you think why its there in the first place, but needs must and the alternative is not even worth thinking about. I just want to say before I go any further that I could not have gotten through today without Rachel and her love and understanding, my oldest literally hugging me full of love this morning before he left and then my youngest giving me a hug and one of his looks (You need to experience the depth of understanding in his eyes) before telling me have a nice day !!!.
Thats what you need before you have to just get on with it. While I do know that its not good to lock things away there are times when having that box in your head that you can open when you need it really does become important. Lying on that table with the mask reflecting the sound, and feel of your blood pushing through your veins you need to be able to open that box and take the hugs the love and the looks out, to remind your self why you are doing this and that you are going to push through it, your family have done their part and now its down to you to do yours. In saying that, its still horrible and when the mask comes off I feel sorry for the amazing team who have guided you through the process, because for fifteen minutes I havent been able to speak and suddenly I can talk again and God do I talk, would you believe that ?